The Top 5 Worst Halloween Candy
How I feel when I see gross Halloween candy.
Hello spook lovers,
The hour is nigh. Ghosts and goblins are wandering in the street. You’re dusting off your slutty bear onesie. And whether you’re into trick-or-treating or smell-of-feeting, you’re guaranteed to be being given good eating. For all you international readers (China? Pakistan? Wtf? We love you!), Halloween is the one time of year where it’s ok for children who can’t use the toilet yet to eat the grossest, nastiest gobledygook Corporate America has gaslit us into thinking is 100% yum yum. Here are the Top 5 grossest Halloween treats:
5. Hershey’s plain chocolate bar
Who buys these? Actually?
As fans of The Food Who Built America think about all the time, Milton Hershey ended up just burning all the chocolate he sold to people. He had to burn it eventually in order to get it to have a smooth texture or whatnot but then a scientist he employed figured out that he actually didn’t have to burn it but he didn’t care and sold burnt chocolate anyway. Or something like that. Anyway. Hershey’s chocolate bars taste like doo doo ass and no one wants them. Not only are they bitter and musky on first chew, but after they go down our divinely-engineered food tubes they leave an acrid sweetness that burns the palette. Gross!
4. Butterscotch hard candies
I ate so many of these as a kid. They were just around.
Butterscotch hard candies read good on paper: butter? Scotch? What’s not to love? But unlike homemade/house-made butterscotch, which is essentially a butter-docked caramel, butterscotch hard candies are nothing of the sort. Imagine burnt caramel that someone flavored with movie theater popcorn butter straight from the tap and then dumped a bunch of those individual cream packets that you don’t need to refrigerate for some reason. I know that some of you reading this completely disagree with me and actually want a butterscotch hard candy right now, but some of you also haven’t eaten anything today, except maybe a protein shake or a bowl of human dog food.
Note: this does not apply to Werther’s Originals, which are peak candy experience meets gam-gam nostalgia.
3. 100 Grand chocolate bars (or whatever chocolate bar that isn’t real)
The mucus is on the inside…
100 Grands, like Paydays or Whatchamacallits, are chocolate bars that aren’t real that are somehow available only on Halloween – as if they’ve always existed and we’ve always known and love them. Well, they haven’t and we don’t. And they always not-so-vaguely look like a hearty poop. Crazy there was a time when peanuts weren’t commonly found in American stool, maybe it was around that time when these alleged chocolate bars were invented and no one had a frame of reference for what they could resemble. Thank you, George Washington Carver.
2. Halloween-themed baked goods (cupcakes, brownies, etc.)
Where’s the Alka-Seltzer?
Look, if you’re like, actually a good baker this does not apply to you. But, while not technically candy, Halloween-themed baked goods are the absolute worst. One: they’re ALWAYS too sweet. Two: they never taste like anything. Three: people who make them know that yet they they still make them anyway, and not only that, but we have to eat them because they made so many and they made them for us! and if we let them go to waste, which they inevitably will anyway, that means we don’t actually appreciate all the hard work that went into making these special treats. We don’t want grandma to cry again, right? Wrong. Fuck you grandma.
1. Hershey’s plain chocolate bar but it’s wearing a slutty bear onesie
Sigh…
I don’t care how slutty your bear onesie is, you can’t fool me. You’re just so bad and will be forever, and nothing in the whole entire world is going to change that. Oh… you’re just in town for the weekend? Your hotel room’s near by. Well, I suppose it can’t hurt to come over for a bit–NO. I’m not falling for that again…
Are you calling a car or what?
