The Rules for Gay Guy Dinner by Garrett Schlichte
Garrett Schlichte is a writer, America’s Test Kitchen: The Next Generation Season One finalist, and schnitzel party enthusiast. These are his rules for Gay Guy Dinner.
Being alive right now is a total fucking nightmare. If you heard someone say that in 2017 you might have been like, “haha, totally!” but now it’s just like, “AHHHHHHHH!!” because, well, being alive is a total fucking nightmare.
By Henry Roark
Melting into your phone is terrible — it’s not even an escape anymore. It just makes you sadder and sadder the deeper into it you fall. Movies and prestige TV, and even pretending to read in public, aren’t hitting the same way they used to. Eventually, a character will mention Instagram or polyamory, or James Corden will suddenly show up, and then it’s like “AHHHHHHHH!!” all over again. A dark theater isn’t safe. Your bedroom is barely safe. Third spaces are just a government psyop, obviously. So, where is one to turn? A monastery? No. Your family home? LOL, absolutely not. The darkroom at the Toyotathon x Honda Days Big Summer Sales Blowout? Ugh, I wish. No, the only place for a person to escape the woes of the world, to experience true nirvana, to transcend the melancholic ennui of the human plane and commune, even momentarily, with the spirits of joy and delight and wonder is, of course, at Gay Guy Dinner.
The first and most important thing to know about Gay Guy Dinner is that you don’t have to be a gay guy to be at Gay Guy Dinner. Being a Gay Guy isn’t about being a gay guy, actually; it’s a spiritual calling, it’s a way of life. It’s an open-armed invitation to empty your head and open your mouth — to delight in superficiality and to annoy all the tables nearby. Anyone can enjoy Gay Guy Dinner. Well, not anyone, exactly. Not to Lib Out so soon, but Republicans can’t partake in Gay Guy Dinner, obviously. Nancy Pelosi can be included in Gay Guy Dinner, but only if she has a bump. Your uncle Steve’s new girlfriend can be at Gay Guy Dinner — your uncle Steve has to wait in the car. Six of the Seven Dwarfs can come to Gay Guy Dinner (you know the one that can’t), but Nicole Scherzinger is on probation. We could keep going, but you get the general idea. The other rules of Gay Guy Dinner are as follows, in no particular order:
Gay Guy Dinner must be held at a restaurant, never in a home (no one wants to do dishes, and everyone wants to be seen!). The restaurant must be loud, but not too loud, dark but not too dark. The chairs must have back support, and the restaurant must have a liquor license. (Sitting on benches and drinking beer and wine makes the dinner Queer, not Gay, and honestly, no one is having fun eating with two people wearing natural deodorant.)
Speaking of numbers, the ideal number of people at Gay Guy Dinner is four, just like in Sex and the City (NOT And Just Like That…), because, like all things gay guys have claimed as their own, they’ve stolen them from the women who did them first (and because at least one of the gay guys at Gay Guy Dinner is trying to become a one). Six people is technically fine, and seven is the absolute max. One time, someone tried to have thirteen people at Gay Guy Dinner, and two of the guys died after a kiss on the cheek. Scary! Don’t do it!
Drugs are allowed at Gay Guy Dinner, and so are cigarette breaks, which might make you not hungry, but ultimately that’s fine because the purpose of being at Gay Guy Dinner isn’t eating. Not in like a thin-is-in way (it’s not!) or in like an I-have-to-bottom-later kind of way (paint him, diva!), but because the true purpose of Gay Guy Dinner is giggling and gossiping and being a little drunk and looking around a slightly bleary-eyed and thinking, ugh, I’m the luckiest girl in the world, and then flirting with your server.
There are plenty of places where it’s bad to be a gay guy. It’s actually a lot of places. It’s like a shocking number of places when you really think about it. It’s bad to be a gay guy on a bachelorette party. It’s bad to be a gay guy on vacation if you just got a bad haircut. It’s bad to be a gay guy played by a straight guy pretending to have sex with another, maybe actual gay guy, in a movie if that movie is being watched by someone who was born before 9/11. Truth be told, there aren’t a lot of places where it’s good to be a gay guy, except, of course, at Gay Guy Dinner. When you’re at Gay Guy Dinner, nothing else matters in the world. You can say something crazy and outrageous like “I think I’ll call my mom tomorrow,” or “I think I’m ready to try DP,” or “the only way to experience true liberation, egalitarianism, and sovereignty of the self is to topple the capitalist cisheteropatriarchy,” and everyone will just laugh and roll their eyes, because Gay Guy Dinner is a place for you to be totally free.
At the end of the day, there really are no rules for Gay Guy Dinner, except to just be yourself. Oh, and the Nancy Pelosi thing. And you have to tip 25%. But really, that’s it. We swear. Life is short, and things are bad, but Gay Guy Dinner is forever and also good. So, grab your friends, even if you don’t like one of them very much, and make a reservation ASAP. It’s never been more important to be a Gay Guy at Gay Guy Dinner — after all, it’s the only surefire way to find out which of the Seven Dwarfs is a homophobe.
The real gay guy dinner is the friends we made along the way. (at gay guy dinner)
